Z.B.: I'm really excited by George Bush's latest
reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of
patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed off
with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors
down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who
runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning
something nasty for me, but so far I haven't
been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see
what he's up to, but he's got everything well
hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr
Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know -
from very good sources - that he is, in reality,
a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street
telling them that if we don't act first, he'll
pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof,
why don't I go to the police?
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will
say that they need evidence of a crime with
which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the
rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his
plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr
Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since
I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to
me to keep the peace. But until recently that's
been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear
that all I need to do is run out of patience,
and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-
out policy towards Iraq is the only
way to bring about international peace and
security. The one certain way to stop Muslim
fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US
or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that
have never threatened us. That's why I want to
blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife
and children.
Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then
he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me
in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really
nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm
certain I've just as much justification for
killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr
Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term
aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's
such a clever long-term aim because how can you
ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr
Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists?
When every single terrorist is dead? But then a
terrorist is only a terrorist once he's
committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the
ones you really want to eliminate, since most of
the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr
Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist?
Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his
objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is
dead? But then some moderate Muslims might
convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really
safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to
eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my
street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip
of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people
in the street who I don't like and who - quite
frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My
wife says I might be going too far but I tell
her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her
up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and
if that's a good enough reason for the
President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to
give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days -
to come out in the open and hand over all aliens
and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws
and interstellar terrorist
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb
the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as
sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and,
in contrast to what he's intending,
my policy will destroy only one street.
